Friday, June 5, 2009

Friday's Funnies



Toddler Miracle Diet



The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all- meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed that most two-years-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!


DAY ONE:
Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a hand full of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.


DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a hand full of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool- Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.


DAY THREE:
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, hand full of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.


FINAL DAY:
Breakfast:
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.



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7 comments:

Denise said...

lol, very funny.

Sherry said...

LOL! That would be a miracle to see what color it comes out later?! Yikes!

LisaShaw said...

Thanks for sharing (smile).

Love you Beautiful child of GOD!

luvmy4sons said...

Oh to be two again! LOL!

He And Me + 3 said...

Have you been at my house lately? LOL Too funny.

Kristen, The Pajama Mama said...

that's really funny!

Saleslady371 said...

These comments are as funny as your post. Thanks for making me laugh, ladies!