Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday's Funnies - My Biopsy Experience!


Stereotactic core needle biopsies use a computer to map the location of the calcifications and guide the placement of the needle, which takes a core sample of the breast tissue. To read more about the procedure you can go to the following site:

This is my experience of this procedure done Wednesday afternoon:

The above is a picture of a table like I had for my procedure. And ladies, that hole in the table is NOT for your head! No… you stick one breast through the hole with one arm down to your side and one arm up. Then they grab your breast and squeeeeeezzzzzeeee it into a vice apparatus that is connected to a mammogram type machine! Then they tell you not to move! I’m not kidding! Even if I wanted to I couldn’t! So you lay there while they take pictures and move your breast around as though it is not attached to your body all making sure it is in the right position for the Radiologist to do the Stereotactic core needle biopsy.

When the technician believes she has you in the right position, she calls in the Radiologist; they check it out and always have to make adjustments! So far my breast has been in a vice for about 20 minutes. By now, my shoulder and arm are hurting so bad that I don’t know which is more uncomfortable, arms or breast!

The Radiologist then cleans the area, shoots you with something to numb the area, and then sticks this special needle in you guided by a computer that shows them where the little tiny clusters of microcalcifications are in your breast. While they “drill” your breast they continue to inject the numbing solution through the needle. This is great considering that this thing is drilling your breast tissue and sucking out the tissue! (I hope you are not eating right now! ) After checking often with the pictures they continue to take throughout the procedure, the Radiologist will places all the tissue in containers for the lab to biopsy. The Radiologist now inserts a tiny titanium breast cancer ribbon in the place where they just removed the entire cluster. Now the Radiologist is congratulated by the technicians as to what a great job she did, and the radiologist tells you she will call you within 24 hours with the results.

Now, while one technician starts cleaning up, the other one sits underneath you on a stool with your breast in her hands putting pressure in the area of the insertion and excision to stop the bleeding. So for 10 minutes you have a wonderful conversation with this woman who has your aching breast in her hands! At first you feel like a cow over a bucket ready to be milked! I almost felt like letting out a “moo” sound! When she feels that she can remove the pressure, she then cleans the area and puts sterio strips to “seal” the area, then places gauze over that too. Now it is about one hour and you are now told you can move from having your breast hanging in a vice with a drill inserted, and hands asleep and cramp in your arm and shoulder. You slowly get up as your head starts to spin. You sit there a few minutes, put something over you and walk over to another room where once again they take more mammogram pictures!

They are now proud of their work, show you the results and the tiny little ribbon that is in your breast now. They change the dressing once again, have you wait with your hubby in the “man room”. Yes, that is what they call it! A waiting room with comfy chairs and couches and a big screen TV… accept…. The TV was not hooked up yet!!! But hey, if I am laying on an uncomfortable table with my breast in a vice being bored out, the at least Jim can be bored in a very comfy room!

Now, a woman comes in gives you your instructions of keeping the area clean and dry for 48 hours, and not doing much on anything for 72 hours. Ummmm, we are packing for our move in less than a week! They turn to my hubby and say, you get to tell him what to do! Hummmm, I get out of packing for three days! Ohhhhh Jimmmmmm…… LOL…

I forgot to do my exercises to prepare me for my mammogram and stereotactic breast biopsy!

MAMMOGRAMS.......... Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.


Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.


Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.


Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.


Ode to a Mammogram:
For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts."
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings.....and protected them by law....
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.

After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah, yes....that's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal....I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down....My boob was in a vice....

My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing......

Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing.....My poor defenseless tit......

"Take a deep breath" she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting!

"There, that was good" I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."........"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.

If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now......
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!

This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt.....
I'd like to get his balls in there.....for months he'd go WITHOUT!
Author Unknown

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Denise said...

Ok, I am rolling on the floor here, lol

Joyfulsister said...

Okay I'm there on the floor with Denise lol. Wow, ouchy, eek!!! I can barely handle the regular mamogram!!. I really thought that hole was for your face, but then I thought, what did your face have to do with anything ROFL!! Then I figured it our LOL. I am so glad everything turned out okay praise the Lord.

Hugz Lorie

sara said...

LOL! I am laughing so hard. But the best comment was when you said you almost "moo'd" that was hilarious!!!

Praying for your results!

Charlotte said...

I like the way you take a serious painful procedure and find the humor in it. It was so nice meeting you yesterday. If people think this is funny they should have heard you telling it in person as we did yesterday. Thank you so much for organizing the tea yesterday. If and when we meet again (AZ bloggers) and I'm pretty sure we will, it will not be the same without you. Even when you're in PA, we'll claim you as one of us.
Hugs, prayers & blessings,

bp said...

Wow, what a real life experience to use for Friday's Funnies!

I'm so thankful for your results.

hope you have a good weekend.

Kim @ Homesteader's Heart said...

FIRST, hold on and let me stop laughing, okay first I want to say Praise the Lord you're okay! Second I want to say, oh girl have mercy! FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY!!!!
I'm turning 40 next year and I hear that's when I will need to start having my boobs checked! LOL Oh how I can't wait! LOL
Hugs to you sweet friend.

Karen said...

LOL...funny stuff in the midst of pain....

Saleslady371 said...

All I can say is ouch and laugh. Thank you for your kindness to us yesterday and all you did to get us together for Tea. I will never foget it. Also, the candle and holder you gave me looks great on my Mexican Bookshelf!