Friday's Funnies - Diet Humor

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"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."
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Two blonds decided to share a can of diet soda. One blond opened the can, poured half the contents into her own glass, and the other half into her friend's glass. Before throwing the can away, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"Wow, there's only one calorie per can," she commented.
"Hmmmm," replied her friend, "I wonder which glass has the calorie!"
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Girl: I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber.
Waiter: Did I hear you right? Did you say top it off with a slice of cucumber?
Girl: Good heavens, you're right! Forget the cucumber – I'm on a diet.